I’ve let you down. You were given to me pure full of sincerity and I loved you so much. I cherished you with all my might and everyone around me cared about you.
Loved you. Feared losing you.
But my dear friend as time went on, I wanted to play and taste the sour sweetness around me and I forgot about you. I let you go and in turn you became wild, like a drowning sailor fighting for her life. I loved to spend time with you, I really did – but your company became boring and I wished to abort. Run away. Enjoy life and in turn I tried to forget you and you became a distant sound.
My bond was becoming weaker and I heard your cries, I could here you weeping deep inside, calling me to retreat my steps, but I was too far gone. It was so hard to come back. I felt sad, pain engulfed me deep inside, what was once an innocent friend was now strained.
My friend I failed to take care of you, I have truly let you down. We were so close, but with each sin I’d throw away a latch which held us together, showing a lack of care for your concern. I’d see you run to collect each key, but I’d lock them before you’d return. In turn I closed my heart to you, it hardened and my tears wouldn’t fall until eventually my friend, I made you carry a stone.
Then one day I saw you, staring at me deeply in the mirror… Behind the fake smile and hallow eyes hid you, your sweetness, innocence, love and care and I reached out to you, touched you, felt you and had my turning point. Fear bolted inside my body, hitting each side, causing me to shriek in grief. I had failed so badly.
But I was back.
I saw warmth enter into you, my broken heart.
My dear friend I’m back…
I was so lost, you know how hard it can be. Everything around me called me to haram. I would leave my house and I’d see the deception of Shaytan, I’d enter my home and the internet would scream out to me. I didn’t know where to run. But my friend I know you loved Him more than I ever perceived. Now finally I understood your cries. I understood your silent prayers for you and I. Finally it hit me that I must depend on You for success, without You I am lost, You give me direction in this crazy world.
You are my beloved, truly I love You without measure.
It’s time to give up the excuses, the broken promises and the pain. I’d time to tear them from myself, never to be seen again. O Allah I’ve learnt that I need You and I will embrace Your path. I will try and defeat my demons from now on. My friend and I are together again, whole. She lead me back when I pushed her away, and finally my nafs is controlled. To You I have returned, in turn all my stains will be wiped clean. I will polish them until I glean and I know You’re pleased.
I fear for my end, I hope throughout my life You’ll be my guide and I’ll follow You to my success. As I head for You I hope I’ll become better, stronger and in turn happier because finally, I know I have You on my side. O my friend, thank you for bringing me back to the right path, you are my heart – my beloved, together we will conquer our desires, fight our greatest enemy, run away from the prince’s deceptive charms and withstand all the fights.
It’s time to continue the battle and for once, I know I stand a chance, I will win, insha Allah.
As the Messenger of Allah said; “A strong believer is better more loved by Allah than a weak believer and both are good.” [1.Narrated by Abu Hurayrah, reported in Muslim]
I will be stronger.
My dear friend, my heart – you I will never forget.
Alima Ashfaq is the founder of I am Alima and hopes to transform it into the forefront of assisting women come closer to Allah (swt). She is the author of a number of publications, most notably Du’as of the Superstars.